bigbadbob's Blog

    Many years ago There was an unwritten law somewhere that supposedly defined the male and female roles, ie:  Men are to build the lodging, hunt for food, do all of the heavy manual labor (please note the word MAN in manual), transport the family from one place to another, etc.    Women are to have the children and rear them, do the cooking, cleaning, laundry etc.  Did I mention that these are archaic, unwritten laws?  

   Let me see if I have this straight...I was to build the house?  I had everything to do to build a relationship.  Get real, me hunt for food??  Sure drop me off at the local Seven-Eleven and I'll eventually find out where they keep the TWINKIES!  I had no problem with the manual labor thing, or driving people around. I can do that. That's easy!   As a musician, I spent years on the road driving the band around. As far as all that female stuff, I can do all of that, too, with the exception of having the baby!  I was merely the baker who put the bun in the oven, she did all the rest.  Well, I did attend the Lamaze classes, which I am firmly convinced was a plot dreamed up by prenatal females to have you in the labor room during birth so that they can legally call you every foul, disgusting, name in the book, and curse at you and all men dating back to Adam and not be sued for defamation of character or libel in a court of law!

            Something tells me that this unwritten law hasn't applied for years.  In fact, something else hasn't applied for years, either; Dad being the main breadwinner and Mom staying at home to take care of things.  There was a time when if you needed some extra money for a new washing machine, Dad would get a second job, or Mom might find some part time work.  But today, in most areas, both Mom and Dad have to work full time just to make ends meet.  That was a no brainer for us, I was already running my business out of the house and she worked in the city as a corporate accountant! So fellas, with the exception of the baby thing, the old laws should be shredded and thrown into the compost heap!  We should ALL share ALL other responsibilities.  There's nothing wrong with men doing laundry, cooking, washing floors...heck if they make you do it in the Marines, who are we to complain, are we a country of male wusies?  (I had to say all this stuff guys.  The wife reads all of my blogs! You know, an ounce of prevention, I don't need the mental anguish.  At the very least it would make me anal retentive!) 

   The truth is that I did all that stuff when I was a bachelor.  After I realized that it was cheaper to clean my apartment every week myself, then to hire a BOB-CAT every other month.  The cooking thing was a great way to meet chicks and get them over to my place.  In the beginning, their faces would distort and turn unnatural colors.  Then there was that time I had to perform the heimlich maneuver to dislodge some really hard jello from a purple lady.  It took a couple of years, but I got the hang of it and my cooking improved, and they began returning for second dates without any after effects!  

   The laundry room was another great place to fraternize with the opposite sex, plus I could con them into washing my stuff!  That was until I met this gorgeous blonde, who before long convinced me that no one in the world did laundry better than I did and now I was doing hers, too!  I still am, because we got married!

      When our daughter was born, I decided that I was going to share taking care of the baby with the Queen of the household, despite all the things she called me in the labor room.  My wife gave me a hug, and said, "Good! You can start by changing the baby!!"  Me and my BIG MOUTH!

In Brett Farve’s NY Jet debut, he threw a Touch Down pass in a pre-season game.  YEAH!!

Welcome to New York Brett! I think it was Leonard Bernstein who once said “When you’re a Jet, you’re a Jet all the way, from you’re first cigarette, to your last dying day!!”

 And after all the fuss about him being 38years old…BFD!  So are my GYM SHOES!

So it looks like they’re finally going to be using “INSTANT REPLAY” in baseball!

Let me tell you from experience that it works.  My wife’s been using it for years on me. “You’re wrong honey, I never told you that I’d fix the door” Her reply?  “Oh yeah, WATCH THIS!”.

We should all be proud of our OLYMPIANS.  And what about swimmer Michael Phelps?  Do you believe him?  He won eight gold medals breaking ALL the records!!

 He was so excited they had to talk him down.  He wanted to swim home!

I received a very nice, unexpected surprise from one of ff Salt's fans in St. Louis...and would like to share it with all my bloggin' buddies....I can't figure out how to embed it here, so I'll ask you to click on the link below...

http://www.slide.com/r/2zRjGgrD4z-fbhti6qmMSX7aK6fb
qhvO?view=original

BIG "Proud" Bob

Getting old does not mean saying so long to sex, researchers said yesterday. More than three-quarters of American men 75-85 and half of women that age are still interested in sex, a University of Chicago survey found.The study of 3,000 men and women ages 57-85,  were published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine.

Now if they can just remember how and why…..MALL WALKING might take on a whole new meaning!  

Prince Chunk, that FAT cat...has a new castle. And the 44 lb.-cat's new owners will be happy to know that he's got a clean bill of health. He's just. Very fat.   I’m glad that he found a happy home!

But until he loses some weight they’ll be renting a sand-filled dumpster! I wonder if Richard Simmons makes house calls?!?!

 BEIJING —
A 7-year-old Chinese girl was not good-looking enough for the Olympics opening ceremony, so another little girl with a pixie smile lip-synced "Ode to the Motherland," a ceremony official said — the latest example of the lengths Beijing took for a perfect start to the Summer Games.

Way to go China!  I thought the little girl who actually sang was very, very cute! I guess some things will never change!  BTW, Have ya taken a good look at some of your leaders? They’re probably ALL lip-sincing!

Former presidential candidate John Edwards, who won nationwide praise and sympathy as he campaigned side by side with his cancer-stricken wife, Elizabeth, admitted in shame Friday he had had an affair with a woman who produced videos as he prepared to launch his campaign.

Why don’t we cut everything out and just put HUGH HEFFNER  into office?  No surprises there. At least then we’ll know what to expect from our Chief Executive! I have a difficult time dealing with the way all these Politicians seem to order up women the way we call for a pizza delivery!

1-    If you’re trying to get alternate side of the street parking into the Olympics as a sporting event! 

2-    If your High School publishes a list of survivors!  

3-    If you don’t automatically think of somebody wearing a facemask as a Super hero!

4-    If you bowl overhand! 

5-    If you “BOB” for sushi in a Koi pond!  

6-    If your neighbor’s family photos are front and side shots! 

7-    If you’ve ever become intimate with someone on CONGA LINE! 

8-    If you use explosives and automatic weapons to go fishing! 

9-    If you can jump into a cab while it’s still moving! 

10-     If you use a blow torch for snow removal!

              FYI....With ALL this said....

     I'M PROUD TO BE A NEW YORKER!!           

         I LOVE

     NEW YORK!

     BIG Bad Bob!

            When I was growing up, I was taught to be a member of the "CLEAN PLATE CLUB!"  You should eat everything on your plate and don't waste food.

            Then I was told that if I didn't finish everything on my plate, somebody on the other side of the world, who I didn't even know, would starve.  Hey, I wasn't the one troweling the stuff on my plate!  I was always hidden behind such huge mounds of food, how did they know I was even at the table?  "You don't leave this table, Mister, until you finish everything on your plate!"  The way WE ate, I was amazed that anyone left the table without the assistance of a tow truck, or at the very least a forklift!  The least used utensil in that household?  The GARBAGE DISPOSAL!

            Eventually I grew up and got out of the house, while I could still fit through the door.  I still wake up sweating in the middle of the night with "FOOD FLASH-BACKS!"  Being forced to eat liver and kale and beets and tongue.  YUK-YUK-YUK and YUK!  I someday expect to see The Paiva Family's "SECRET RECIPES", the lost episodes, on The "DISCOVERY CHANNEL!"        Something good did come out of all this, I never had to worry about having nothing to do.  I spent ALL of my idle time reading up on and trying out the latest weight-loss and exercise plans.  So far all I've lost is my money, my mind and the will to live!

      I did learn however, that you can eat most foods, as long as it's done in moderation.  There is some food that is healthier than most, only you're not supposed to eat it all in one sitting!  Exercise is not only good for the ticker, but it is necessary for a healthy metabolism.  It burns off calories.  I still have members of my family who have to supplement this last part with the help of a blow torch!  Which in my family's case is hazardous and could cause grease fires!

            I have this one recurring nightmare that I'm being forced to go back in time and relive the past, only this time my family owns and operates a farm!  And to my horror It's only purpose is to feed us. 

    The dinner bell is replaced with a STARTER PISTOL!  We make weekly visits to the dentist to have our teeth sharpened.  Our family goes to our favorite resort, PEPPERIDGE FARM, stopping at every Fast-Food Restaurant along the way, in the family owned catering truck, because the food in these places isn't fast enough.  On the way home, we stop off and adopt Betty Crocker and Sara Lee.  Why not?  We list them as dependents anyway.  We also bail out Uncle Carl and his son Chester.  They were picked up by the police for stalking the Emril Lugasi!  Pizza parlors and Ice cream trucks see my family coming and say, "Here comes the mortgage payment!", then call for back-up!

It’s a hot summer day and you put an ice cold bottle of water in your car’s cup holder and a piping hot container of coffee in the other cup holder… You leave the car to do some chores…and when you get back, the water’s hot and the coffee’s cold… 

WHAT’S UP WITH THAT?

You’re in the water at the beach or in a pool…it begins to rain and you scurry to get under an umbrella to keep yourself dry….

WHAT’S UP WITH THAT? 

A bad guy’s bullets bounce off of Superman’s chest….he runs out of ammo so he throws his gun at Superman. Superman ducks….

WHAT’S UP WITH THAT?

You get stopped for speeding, the cop asks you if you know how fast you were going. You answer “no officer,  I flunked math”. He gives you a ticket…

WHAT’S UP WITH THAT?

New York city’s “Naked Cowboy” was cuffed and arrested for playing his guitar in San Francisco’s Union Square, against park rules.  What was he thinking? The loudest performers to date, were MIMES, and you know how loud they’re not! He showed up in court wearing his jockey shorts and a black $5,000 mink coat. The case against him was dropped on a technicality. 

I guess with all the money he saves on clothing he can afford a $5,000 coat!  I’m curious though. I wonder where he keeps his guitar pick!

Carla Bruni-Sarkozy, France’s new first lady admitted to posing for nude photos, too numerous to count. She said that she never realized just how many nude photos she did before meeting her new hubby French President Nicholas Sarkozy.

She claims that as France’s new first lady, she wants to pattern herself after our former first lady Jackie Kennedy??? NO, it sounds like to me that she’s patterning herself after the original first lady….”EVE”!!!

I wonder if she ever met THE NAKED COWBOY?!?!

The doorman who won $5 million in the lottery, hooked up with a 23 year old Swedish beauty who was charged with promoting prostitution at the strip club where she was working, Big Daddy Lou’s Hot Lap Dance Club. She said that she merely greeted customers and had no idea what was going on inside the club.

DUH! Do the math! Honey, here’s a flash for ya….Any time the words “Big Daddy”! “Hot”! “Lap Dancing”! & “Club”! are grouped together, It’s NOT  a QuiltingBee at a daycare center! If the doorman had met her before he won the lottery, she could’ve been his assistant…Can you imagine their TIPS?!?!

In Milwaukee an angry man was arrested for shooting his lawnmower with a shotgun because it wouldn’t start! He was drinking at the time. 

I’m not sure, but he might be the same guy who’s wanted for  strangling his WEED-WACKER!  Makes ya sorta wonder if as a child he ever abused his hoes! 

According to Mattell, a new Barbie named Black Mary will be coming out in September. It looks like a sort of  S&M Barbie with black leather clothes and net stockings.

I guess an edition to her wardrobe will be a WHIP-ME-BEAT-ME-MAKE ME DIRTY TEE SHIRT!

 So now that 75 year old  Shubert President Phillip Smith has been granted a divorce from his  ex You-Tube-Tricia, he should take  his Viagra stash and try his luck on     THE BACHELOR!

Tricia will probably take her $750,000 settlement and start cruising the senior centers!

The court has overturned a $550,000 fine brought on by the US Government against CBS in the Janet Jackson Super Bowl (so called)  wardrobe malfunction, thus getting the network off the hook.

So I’m guessing that means no BOOBY PRIZE!

  I think it’s about time we pay homage and honor to the Paparazzi, which I labeled “THE Pap-a-RATZI!” I think for all of their efforts they should have their own Hollywood WALK OF SHAME!

   These nose picking slime ball bottom feeders, claming that they are misunderstood, are just out to make a dishonest buck! They get a real hoot out of imposing themselves on Celebs who just want to have a life.  They expose the children of Stars to danger by creating unlawful blockades, and create vehicular safety issues. Sure celebrities make lots of money and some like to party, but wouldn’t you? When you got it, flaunt it! But it’s nobody's business but their own. And if they have personal issues, it’s their problems and again none of anybody's business!  But according to the “slugs”, they have a right to do what THEY do by invoking freedom of the press! 

   In my humble opinion, in the land of Super Heroes, I consider them “SUPER ZEROS!”

   I think the “PAP-A-RATZI HOLLYWOOD WALK OF SHAME” should be located in the worst rat infested sewer drain, where we can all pay proper homage to them!

   BBB

Just when you thought that it couldn't get any better, George Steinbrenner makes a grand entrance!  I had no idea how bad his health was, and regret some of the jabs I took at him over the years.   But when he handed out baseballs to Goose, Reggie, Whitey and Yogi...so they could throw out the first balls.  I got a little emotional!

Before I was a Met fan, I was a die hard Yankee fan, and spent a lot of time at Yankee Stadium.  Over the years I always saw it as our answer to the Colossium.  I thought it would stand the test of time and be there forever. I know that I, along with others are going to miss it big time!

BBB

KUDOS to Angelina and Brad on the birth of their 20 million dollar twins. 

So what I want to know was an agent in the delivery room with them?

Did they have to take their little footprints to sign the 1099 for all that money?

Will the birth announcements come with 8X10 glossies and a brief bio?

Will the have to learn how to deal with the Pap-a-RAT-zi before completing their potty training?

How much will their used diapers sell for on E-bay?

How long will celebrities be pimping their kids for fun and profit?

Anyway.....Congratulations to both of you, and to the babies...

GUCCI-GUCCI-COO!

BIG Bad Bob!

   As someone who spent most of his life involved in music, I'm encouraged to see newer, innovative groups emerging.  I'm further encouraged to see one of your LA bloggers, Lola, approaching music with an open mind. She sees the true value in the evolution of Rock.    

   In order to fully appreciate todays contribution, you should check out the past. As I said in some of my past blogs, I began as a snobby Jazz dude, but once I realized that it wasn't going to pay the bills, I changed my outlook. Tha change began when I got a call from a club owner who knew me. Seems he  hired a R&B soul group to play and their drummer quit. Could I help him out?  I threw my drums in the car and rushed right over. I told the band that I'd take the job until they got a replacement.  Who knew that I'd have so much fun and enjoy their music?  Guess what? It turned out that I was the replacement!

   That started my career as a drummer who could play it all! Jazz, R&B,Country....if it paid the bills I played it!  Best thing that ever happened to me, my musical mind opened up and I flushed snobbery down the toilet where it belonged! 

   Music is either one of two things...GOOD or BAD period!    Since then I've played my share of clubs, concerts, studio work...It was ALL good! Oldies, Classics, all of it.

   My daughter, who is a radio DJ,  gets me to listen to all of the newer groups. I love most of them. She has an Indies podcast which means I get to check out  a lot of creative, talented acts, who are on their way up.  I love it! 

   My only comment is what ever happened to instrumental solos?? Doesn't anybody jam anymore??

Bummer!! 

BIG Bad Bob

A man dressed as a SECURITY GUARD followed employees into a Times Square Western Union office, pulled a semi automatic weapon, robbed them and got away with thousands of dollars!  These IDIOTS seem NOT to GRASP the fact that their being caught on VIDEO!

Wouldn't it be ironic if he was caught by an undercover cop dressed as a BANK ROBBER??

Eight people were injured at the RUNNING OF THE BULLS in Pamploma Spain.  They do it thinking that it makes them MACHO!  NO it makes you a PUTZ!!!

You wanna be MACHO? Try crossing QUEENS BLVD. at the height of the rush hour!!

So let's see...we have A-ROD and his wife filing for divorce.  The Christie Brinkley, Peter Cook fiasco. Throw Madonna and Lenny Kravits in for BAD BEHAVIOR!  Oh and have I mentioned talk of Madonna's divorce?!?!?!

Now all you need is Kevin Bacon in the mix...and you have "SIX DEGREES OF SEPARATION!!!"