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When I was growing up, I was taught to be a member of the "CLEAN PLATE CLUB!" You should eat everything on your plate and don't waste food.

Then I was told that if I didn't finish everything on my plate, somebody on the other side of the world, who I didn't even know, would starve. Hey, I wasn't the one troweling the stuff on my plate! I was always hidden behind such huge mounds of food, how did they know I was even at the table? "You don't leave this table, Mister, until you finish everything on your plate!" The way WE ate, I was amazed that anyone left the table without the assistance of a tow truck, or at the very least a forklift! The least used utensil in that household? The GARBAGE DISPOSAL!

Eventually I grew up and got out of the house, while I could still fit through the door. I still wake up sweating in the middle of the night with "FOOD FLASH-BACKS!" Being forced to eat liver and kale and beets and tongue. YUK-YUK-YUK and YUK! I someday expect to see The Paiva Family's "SECRET RECIPES", the lost episodes, on The "DISCOVERY CHANNEL!" Something good did come out of all this, I never had to worry about having nothing to do. I spent ALL of my idle time reading up on and trying out the latest weight-loss and exercise plans. So far all I've lost is my money, my mind and the will to live!

I did learn however, that you can eat most foods, as long as it's done in moderation. There is some food that is healthier than most, only you're not supposed to eat it all in one sitting! Exercise is not only good for the ticker, but it is necessary for a healthy metabolism. It burns off calories. I still have members of my family who have to supplement this last part with the help of a blow torch! Which in my family's case is hazardous and could cause grease fires!

I have this one recurring nightmare that I'm being forced to go back in time and relive the past, only this time my family owns and operates a farm! And to my horror It's only purpose is to feed us.

The dinner bell is replaced with a STARTER PISTOL! We make weekly visits to the dentist to have our teeth sharpened. Our family goes to our favorite resort, PEPPERIDGE FARM, stopping at every Fast-Food Restaurant along the way, in the family owned catering truck, because the food in these places isn't fast enough. On the way home, we stop off and adopt Betty Crocker and Sara Lee. Why not? We list them as dependents anyway. We also bail out Uncle Carl and his son Chester. They were picked up by the police for stalking the Emril Lugasi! Pizza parlors and Ice cream trucks see my family coming and say, "Here comes the mortgage payment!", then call for back-up!

The alarm goes off. I wake up sweating, which isn't half bad, because sweating burns calories. I rub my eyes and realize that it was just a nightmare and it's Saturday, so I don't have to go to work. Wait a minute. I don't have to go to work, I work out of the house! The door bursts open. It's the little woman. "Good morning, sleepy-head! I thought I'd wake up ahead of you and make you a delicious, scrumptious breakfast. I made sausages, ham, bacon, home fries, eggs, biscuits".... I jump out of bed ranting, "Food, no more food!!" and run out the front door...grabbing some biscuits along the way. She shouts, "Bob, get back in this house and put on some clothes! You'll scare the neighbors! You're in your underwear!!!" Here's the kicker...my wife doesn't cook!

bigbadbob's Blog

THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL

bigbadbob

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